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To the 99%, be thankful this Thanksgiving that I, Mitt Romney, am not your president.
I guess there is one thing after all that money can’t buy….
While I don’t support war with my physical service (see Vietnam), I do support it with my pocketbook. I donate every year to the Mormon church and they fight valiantly in the war against homosexuals. They put up a fantastic effort in 2008 in taking down gay marriage in California. For the Mormon’s contribution to the war on gays, I say:
Thank you for protecting marriage, for if the gays were allowed to marry, it would lead us on a slippery slope, and pretty soon there would be other factions seeking to destroy traditional marriage – there might even come a day when men would desire to be simultaneously married to multiple women.
I would like to retract that last statement regarding the poor as I just remembered that as President I would do away with the Americans with Disabilities Act because it is obviously wasteful government spending designed only as a handout for those too tired to walk with their own legs.
Corporations are people my friend. As people, two individual corporations can merge (“murriage”) to create a new entity. There are, however, limitations to murriages. Only masculine companies can merge with feminine companies. For instance, a construction company can merge with a nail salon. However, allowing two masculine companies or two feminine companies to murriage would be downright immoral and would lessen murriages for all other companies. I am Mitt Romney, and I approve of only heterosexual murriages.
I have a vision for helping the poor in this troubled economy. I believe that every poor, disabled and downtrodden individual should pick themselves up by the bootstraps. It is with this thinking that my first course of action as president will be to require all trash dumpsters to be readily accessible and wheelchair friendly so that these downtrodden individuals can achieve a brighter tomorrow.
My days of bullying did not end in my youth. Rather, they continue to this day. However, instead of carrying out the dirty work myself, I solicit the help of others. One such surrogate of mine is the Mormon church. I pay the Mormons millions of dollars, and they then use part of this money for bullying purposes including the bullying of gays and lesbians who the Mormons treat as unworthy and despicable human beings who should not be allowed to marry a member of the same sex at any cost. But for those closet gay men with a wife and kids who want to marry a second wife? Not a problem at all.